Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
