I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
