I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woke up backwards on a recliner
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
