I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
