I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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