youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
