i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
