What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
