omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
