i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
