OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
