I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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