My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
