Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
