I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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