I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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