I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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