We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
