Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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