If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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