he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
