Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
