It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i drank out of a bidet.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
