I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
