how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize