i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
