my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
