I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
