some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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