just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
