Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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