You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
