Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
