i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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