I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
