i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
