Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
