i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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