Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
