I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
