either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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