He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
