i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
