It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
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