What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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