that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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