this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
