Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
