You can't special order awesome
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
