I have demons in me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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