I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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