I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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