It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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