just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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