I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
