what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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