Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
