I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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